MR.Gunawan Santoso

last night i went mad...
i don't know what i just did...
i spent my day just by sitting, playing games, keep looking at my watch, wait ting for the sex and the city download to finish so that i can spend my time not only by waiting boring.
At least i can watch this 18 episode of second season while I'm waiting.
i kept waiting, minute after minute which at last i got a response on 10.14pm.
whose fault if the Internet connection was so slow so that there's not only the delay on air Asia airlines but also on my messenger.
my boyfriend keep buzzing me for few times.
that's really bothered me.
I'm a negative person.
i cant hear the why question.
why you reply so long, why you invite the cam so long, why, why, and why...
I'm pissed, and i really angry then i started to shout.
not really shout, but i was shouting at my messenger with the companion of not only one but a lots of ! marks.
i asked him to just off because i have waiting all day and he just come to give me this not important question that really pull all my negative energy out.
then at last i said "if you don't want to off, then I'll off!!"then like i was said,
i sign my yahoo messenger out.
i did wait for five minutes and i sign in again.
he left me offline messages.
he said that he really dint understand what happened to me these few days.
which i cant stand my self from keep annoyed of his question and his behaviour and really heart breaking statements he said that he would rather die.
without thinking anymore, i reply those lines with my own emotional lines.
i assure him that before he die, he would see me die first.
then i lay for a while, while i was crying, i was thinking that all this time i just can talk but no action.
i never really brave to cut my artery.
but he, this MR.G just like very enjoy scratched his skin by a knife just to wrote I LOVE YOU which he never finish to write the YOU because i was freaking out that time.
all this time...
it just now i realize that is it love that make it not painful ?
or is it his braveness just to show my friend that he deserve me?
i never be that brave.
never... until now...
when i thought that am i not enough love him that i couldn't do this?
then i take my cutter, i scratch my skin and i did that few times to make sure that its bleeding.
i succeed, i made two red beautiful and painful line on my hand.
i kept crying until i can feel all the muscles at my face since i realize that its not not painful.
its really painful but the love you have will make you hold this pain.
i kept thinking was i doing the right thing or i just be so fool.
then i called my boyfriend and told him what i did.
he started to cry and begging me for not doing that anymore.
i cant stand myself from crying when he keep worrying me.
he kept asking if i am alright and what exactly did i do.
after i hang up the phone, i look at my self at the mirror and i see an old ugly sad woman was so stupidly did a stupid thing.
i cried nonstop for almost an hour and i felt this amazing pain on my hand.
not because those sharp cutter.
but because i have hurt the love of my life and that hurt myself more.
how could God made this amazing creature man.
a man who love me by just a piece of heart which is all he has.
a man that have a really wonderful love for me.
i cant stop crying just to think that i don't deserve this man.
but he still here for me, and he is here for me.
i called him again, at 1.30 because i still cant sleep.
he also haven't sleep that time.
i told him how i am so grateful to his love when i can never love him like the way he love me.
i always try to love him, but i never could.
he said a sentence that just make me really stupefied.
he said that he will be just OK if i were OK.
that just like what i am thinking.
i will be just OK if he is OK.
i always afraid to commit the suicide because if i die, 99% he will also commit the suicide.
that's why i always afraid to do those creepy things even just to say it to my boyfriend.
because he will 70% commit a suicide.
why is it so easy for him to give up his life for me?
is it what we call as a life and a death?
where if you jump i will also jump?
i keep asking myself, that will i jump?
besides, i definitely know that he will jump for me.
am i not love him enough?
the answer is yes... i had gave him all my heart with no more space for other guy but still, my heart is not big enough to compare to his love.
i was just so lucky to be born to this world.
to feel such as powerful sacred thing...and to be given this amazing man with his wonderful heart.
i love you...
i love you baby...
i always do...
and i will always try love you more...
thanks for loving me...