the city of old people...

well, last Tuesday i went to pray at the temple i usually go to....
i took a bus from my campus and i go down from the bus at the lucky Chinatown.
i was at this moment when you always feel like nothing to do for yourself but sitting alone at a street.
i was intending to sit at there.
just for moment maybe, to think what I'm gonna do.
so that i walk by the lucky Chinatown, i look for a place to sit.
but suddenly i realize...
theres nobody at my age sitting around here just to think what they gonna do.
there are all these grandpa and grandma sitting, talking, greeting each other, talking at phone, some bring the shopping bag, some were looking at me.
they are so friendly... is it because they just sit here everyday to think about what they gonna do?
i took back my intention to sit.
i walk to mcd, where i can see more youth at there.
i arrive at mcd, then i went in and all this old people enjoying their coffee were sitting there.
oh my god... I'm living in a city of old people...
i go to the counter and bought a sausages muffin then i walk out.
i remember this talk, with my grandma.
she said that every person are alone, then they meet, they got a son/daughter which is alone to.
then later their daughter and son will also meet other people and got a daughter and son to.
so can you imagine, that 4 old people, can only have 1 grandson/granddaughter ?
yes sometimes they have 2 or three.
but at Singapore which is called developed country, only give you maximum 3 children, in a family.
so there are 4 old people, for this 1 to 3 grandson or granddaughter...
so can you imagine? this is why this city became a city of old people.
and nobody care about them... Singaporean, by the survey, having a life as individual.
so they life to find their partner,
and they don't really care about their parents anymore
(what i meant here is not really don't care, they just don't really have time to take their parents out, have fun and all).
so that all this old people, move to a place where they can meet other old people, and can spend their time together...
i don't want to be like that, i have a only a grandma from my ma, and a grandpa from my pa left...
so i don't want to waste my time doing nothing,
then i remember my grandma... i miss her so much....
i don't want to think much,
so i start to grab my muffin and walk to the temple to pray....
i hope there is someday that everybody will realize how important their family are...
it is said that you will not miss it, until you lose it...

i miss you...

i miss u baby... I miss you so much...
I kept trying to get myself stronger...
I tried to be an adult, a woman who can live alone. But i cant...
I've get to close to you, to close as there is no more space between us so that i alwas need you to be my side to do anything...
I always need you before i sleep...
I need you to massage my head and my back when i sick.
I need you to kiss me everytime i feel down...
I need you to kiss me goodnite cause you kissed me everyday before...
Softly, at my forehead, then my left eye, then my right eye, then my left chin, then my right chin, then my nose, and at last you will kiss me at my lips three times with last long soft kiss.... Its just so sweet that i can remember everytime i think bout you...
I miss you baby... I miss you so much...
Sometimes when we chat, when i saw you trought that webcam, i always feel afraid,
Cause you looked so cute, and so cool, and so shiny...
I afraid, that you will leave me for others better thing... I afraid...
But you courage me, you make me strong...
You said that you are mine, you gonna be forever mine...
Always mine...
I believe it... I always believe...
I love you baby... I love you so much...
Please stand for me there, cause i tried to stand for myselft here and i just cant do it well...
I love you... You are my arms, you are my knees... You are my backbone, who will always make me strong...
I love you so much darling...
Thanks for being you and mine...
I miss you so....





I love you...
-Winda.Rinova-

when a snake and a mice can laugh together...

i haven't feel these feelings for long time, the feeling when you drop yourself in happiness and got yourself are about to puke because of these...

today i spent my day on the road, country road can say...
when we just laugh, doing silly things, eat, dancing, sleep, debate, speak politic, speak bout celebrity and talk about all other things. so happy to be in this situation, when i just can laugh without any burden at my shoulder.

this is a story when a snake and a mice can laugh together without thinking how to kill each other...

have you ever feel that way?
when you and your boyfriend and girlfriend talk about something to defense himself and kill you at a first stab. there's no hater, no bad feelings, just the feelings of the victory...

then when you can laugh together because of everything, you will feel like never be something.
try to do this at home... (silly rite?)
but fun, really...
forget about anything else, feel the love, spent your time to laugh until you got butterflies in your stomach, and please... leave all the bad things that you two has problem about, laugh because of everything...

maybe you never thing that you are a snake a mice or any others thing, but actually, there is something inside yourself that made you realize that you are... you are that beast or that cutie...

try to laugh than you will know...
oh yea, don't imagine to laugh that way.
you will know when you've had it...

love you....
-Winda.R-

Finally...

finally!! i arrive at home, smell the fresh air of Palembang, meet my dogs and my stupid brothers...
ahahahhaa... sorry guys... eh, i also already eat fried catfish which is called pecel lele here... ahahah... so happy.... hmmm.... i think I'm going to drown myself in these happiness for two months... see ya....

ahahaha....
i love u Palembang.....
i love u Indonesia...

love u....
-winda-

The feeling of being at home...

last night i woke up, at 5 am which means 4 am at Indonesia. i tried to sleep again but i cannot, remember that this is the hungry ghost month... silly isn't it? then i turn on my hand phone, try to calm myself down by listening to jack Johnson's music. silent dawn, slow easy music, just made me feels like being at home...
i miss that feeling, when i just lay on my wide bed, at my fresh room, soft brown colour, cold air con, and fresh apple smell. i miss it so much...
even i know that i will be at home next week,smell my dog's shit again...
i feel like why it takes so long to be on that day, i kept waiting and waiting.
i want to hear my mother voice again, even i can hear it everyday on the phone, but it will be so nice if i can hear it directly read her mouth movement.
i miss to play with my naughty dog, all this noise of their barks,
i miss to chase my Little brother and slap him because he keep on make fun of me,
i miss to be make fun of my older brother,
i miss to feel Palembang's pollution air,
i miss to be in the car looking at other people sweating riding their motorcycle or the opposite,
i miss my own bathroom,
i miss my big warm blanket,
i miss my wise father,
i miss to fight with my boyfriend,
i miss to make whatever food i like even at last everybody will say that it's nice after i show my patheic face,
i miss my store, all that fruits smell ,
i miss to decorate juices that i have made for one hour long,
i miss to take my oldest dog for walk even he got a very terrible breath,
i miss to spend myself almost an hour to be naked choosing what outfit i should wear,
i miss to hang out with my friends talking about other people,
i miss to shop a lot of things for my weekly supply,
i miss to talk to my customer,
i miss to hug my boyfriend while he's riding his motorcycle,
i miss to hold my mom and my dad hand,
i miss to scold my brothers because they don't want to study at tuition,
i miss to change something at my room,
i miss to watch Indonesian gossip infotainment,
i miss to eat Indonesian foods,
i miss to walk among all Indonesian,
i miss family,
i miss my boyfriend,
i miss my Friends,
i miss my dog,
i miss my room,
i miss my house,
i miss my car,
i miss my juicer,
i miss my maids,
i miss my store,
i miss my employees,
i miss my Palembang,
i miss my Indonesia...
and i hate when i have to leave it, standing at the airport waiting for my departure time and when i have to take off leaving all the things i always miss...
i hate to leave my beloved country even its not a perfect country to live in, but can you see how incredible our government is taking care of our thousands island can you see even for the small country they still cant stabilize their own country. Indonesia is a wonderful country...
i love my country...
i love you all...

That married woman...

yesterday morning, two girls that i recently knew has became woman married* . married in their own religion tradition. They married on mosque with their Muslim leader which pronounce them husband and wife.
i don't know what really good about being married.
is it good to life together, share everything they want, share their time, their sadness and their happiness together?
we can do it on relationship with our boyfriend minus life together and minus kids.
is it really that fun?
these few days i got a preview of the marriage situation. sit together, have dinner, teach their kids, scold their kids, wathcing TV, family discussion, etc
and 2 seconds ago i realize that its fun being a children of the married couple, but is it fun for being a mother in a marriage circle?
are they really ready to become a mother?
my friend Benatha Hardani and my sister* Giovanny...
they have steeped out from the single cage.
you know, what i meant by single here is not being married. no matter you have your fiance or you boyfriend, you are still single now.
back to this married people...
last night after i heard about my sister marriage from my father and my mother, i cant describe my self for being happy or sad, neither my parent. are they happy? or are they sad but keep showing that they are happy?
this morning, when i open my eyes, i remember the feelings last night. when i watched the opening of Beijing Olympic. why i felt so fed up, and so sad.
is it because i afraid that my parent being hurt? is it because i lost someone i usually know as my sister? or because i misunderstood that feeling?
i cant help but wonder, is it the feelings that every sister in the world felt when their sisters married?
i hope there will be nobody being hurt or hurt anybody. i hope everything will be fine.
i hope, they will live happily ever after...
but still, this remind me of one thing...
i my parents are hurt, then don't ever think of being part of this family anymore...
i hope i made the right thought...

MR.Gunawan Santoso

last night i went mad...
i don't know what i just did...
i spent my day just by sitting, playing games, keep looking at my watch, wait ting for the sex and the city download to finish so that i can spend my time not only by waiting boring.
At least i can watch this 18 episode of second season while I'm waiting.
i kept waiting, minute after minute which at last i got a response on 10.14pm.
whose fault if the Internet connection was so slow so that there's not only the delay on air Asia airlines but also on my messenger.
my boyfriend keep buzzing me for few times.
that's really bothered me.
I'm a negative person.
i cant hear the why question.
why you reply so long, why you invite the cam so long, why, why, and why...
I'm pissed, and i really angry then i started to shout.
not really shout, but i was shouting at my messenger with the companion of not only one but a lots of ! marks.
i asked him to just off because i have waiting all day and he just come to give me this not important question that really pull all my negative energy out.
then at last i said "if you don't want to off, then I'll off!!"then like i was said,
i sign my yahoo messenger out.
i did wait for five minutes and i sign in again.
he left me offline messages.
he said that he really dint understand what happened to me these few days.
which i cant stand my self from keep annoyed of his question and his behaviour and really heart breaking statements he said that he would rather die.
without thinking anymore, i reply those lines with my own emotional lines.
i assure him that before he die, he would see me die first.
then i lay for a while, while i was crying, i was thinking that all this time i just can talk but no action.
i never really brave to cut my artery.
but he, this MR.G just like very enjoy scratched his skin by a knife just to wrote I LOVE YOU which he never finish to write the YOU because i was freaking out that time.
all this time...
it just now i realize that is it love that make it not painful ?
or is it his braveness just to show my friend that he deserve me?
i never be that brave.
never... until now...
when i thought that am i not enough love him that i couldn't do this?
then i take my cutter, i scratch my skin and i did that few times to make sure that its bleeding.
i succeed, i made two red beautiful and painful line on my hand.
i kept crying until i can feel all the muscles at my face since i realize that its not not painful.
its really painful but the love you have will make you hold this pain.
i kept thinking was i doing the right thing or i just be so fool.
then i called my boyfriend and told him what i did.
he started to cry and begging me for not doing that anymore.
i cant stand myself from crying when he keep worrying me.
he kept asking if i am alright and what exactly did i do.
after i hang up the phone, i look at my self at the mirror and i see an old ugly sad woman was so stupidly did a stupid thing.
i cried nonstop for almost an hour and i felt this amazing pain on my hand.
not because those sharp cutter.
but because i have hurt the love of my life and that hurt myself more.
how could God made this amazing creature man.
a man who love me by just a piece of heart which is all he has.
a man that have a really wonderful love for me.
i cant stop crying just to think that i don't deserve this man.
but he still here for me, and he is here for me.
i called him again, at 1.30 because i still cant sleep.
he also haven't sleep that time.
i told him how i am so grateful to his love when i can never love him like the way he love me.
i always try to love him, but i never could.
he said a sentence that just make me really stupefied.
he said that he will be just OK if i were OK.
that just like what i am thinking.
i will be just OK if he is OK.
i always afraid to commit the suicide because if i die, 99% he will also commit the suicide.
that's why i always afraid to do those creepy things even just to say it to my boyfriend.
because he will 70% commit a suicide.
why is it so easy for him to give up his life for me?
is it what we call as a life and a death?
where if you jump i will also jump?
i keep asking myself, that will i jump?
besides, i definitely know that he will jump for me.
am i not love him enough?
the answer is yes... i had gave him all my heart with no more space for other guy but still, my heart is not big enough to compare to his love.
i was just so lucky to be born to this world.
to feel such as powerful sacred thing...and to be given this amazing man with his wonderful heart.
i love you...
i love you baby...
i always do...
and i will always try love you more...
thanks for loving me...

do you need to wear prada to feel confidence?

yesterday i felt so fabulous...
i wear my no label sweet kind of kimono shirt, and my seed three quarter jeans and style it up with my perfect gold vincci+ shoe. oh, and i wear an Elle jacket because it was raining hard and it felt like you just need to lay and lay lazy in your warm blanket. but it was my revision, so... in need to get up early, take a bath with icy water, and go early.

then i walked out, felt alive and confidence... walking with my soundtrack that day "all dressed in love - Jennifer Hudson". just like that was my lucky day, as i walked to the bus stop, the bus was coming. i took that bus and oh my god, the bus just felt like the first class bus. all was dressed so good in guess, prada, Louis vuitton, channel, all that luxury handbag, dress, and shoes...

suddenly i dropped my confidence. put it below my vincci tip toe. i felt like invisible in this dress. they never smile to girl who dressed in love, they just smile to all this P, LV, C and G things...

but i put all my negative and my positive together. more to negative actually. why all this Richie woman want to take this morning crowded bus and mrt just to scratch their thousands dollar prada? or is it just to show up? or maybe it is fake?? why they don't just take taxi or their own private car? you can never figure it out...

then i took mrt, with my favorite door. then i saw a girl, that just wear a hang ten shirt, denim skirt and basketball shoes. but what the.... she took out her phone,an i-phone...
it is meant that she is rich, man! but why she don't want to wear maybe the better one, guess or any other label but not hang ten Giordano and baleno.

after that i notice that there just a few of this kind of girl in Singapore. of course for 20-25 yo girl or maybe we can already call them woman. what differentiate them? it it because some are still study and some are working? but i have a friend that always bring her prada, guess, all these luxury stuff.

is it the reason to make girl feeling confidence?
is it all this P, LV, C, G, things that pump your confidence?
then why all this baleno, Giordano, and hang ten girls also feel confidence of them self?
so what is actually make you feel confidence?
is it your hair? or is it you body shape, or is it your height?

then i met a Malay woman. an old woman who was squeeze by a man and a prada woman who looked like doesn't like this Malay woman at all. since i was standing at a lot of space, i offer my position to this old woman.

like a storm coming, she said "thank you cantik". maybe she don't know that i am Indonesian and i understand what is cantik mean. its the first time after this six month somebody call me cantik... ahahaha... i was shocked but smiled to that old woman.

the i realized, why i even need a stranger to remind me that i am beautiful?
and that is the thing that make me feel confidence. not that prada, and bonia, and guess bag or shoes. even I'm not beautiful at my face, at least i got a beautiful heart... :D

because i changed place with that Malay woman, and i gained my confidence back and its already reach my destination... its time for me to squeeze them, not to be squeezed. I'm sorry... you gonna regret to bring your prada to this war land...

then i walked out, again...
felt alive and confidence of myself...

MY BEADS POINT

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when i love you.... love you baby....

three days ago, i told my boyfriend.

that i don't know what is love.

stupid huh?

i told him that i love him everyday, every hour, every 10 minutes, and just like that...

after i watched the sex and the city season 1 for the 3rd times that three days ago.

i was thinking alone with lonely feeling that is it really going to be that beautiful?

i mean, i always feels like is it really going to happen that way?

i told him, i don't know what the love really meant.

it is not going to be as simple as in film.

you kiss me, i hug you, we looked at each other and that's love.

sometimes i felt like its really hard to understand your own feelings.

are you really angry, what is the reason, is it make sense?

i thought it is just one of my kind in this galaxy.

i thought it is just me that being childist.

angry because of no reason, annoyed, and all that nonsense behaviour.

i thought it is just going to be happen in a girl like me. an 18 years old girl.

but now i know.

its also happen to 31 years old woman, 45 years old woman, even to 50 years old woman.

is it the act of being childist?

is it just because women want to be understood since they are so difficult to be understood?

me start thinking, is it that simple just to mention your feeling as what you called it love.

is it just like an law lecture which you can draw a map of it?

after i think for these 3 days, i found out.

that love is just an abstract, an unspeakable feeling, cant be mention by sentence like Shakespeare did, you just can describe it.

you just can say "i love you" even there is thousands even millions feelings mixed up in your heart.

you just can call it love. it just feels so right.

so we thought that love is when you laughed together, when you kissing, when he hold your hand, when you two are just feeling so amazing of being together.

its not that all.

love is when you slap your boyfriend or your girlfriend because he say bad words, its love when you shout at him or her.

its love when you cried because he or she not around, its love when you smack his or her butt because he or she look so sexy, its he or she when you so fed up and you are thinking of kick him or her but you wont.

its love...

this indescribable feelings.

this amazing extraordinary fantastic spontaneous spectacular feeling.

the fact is you will never know where is this feeling came from, when is it come and why its come.

no reason guys...

yes, you are loving for no reason.

you cant say you love someone just because he is rich

just because he or she is good looking,

just because he or she is good at talking.

when you love him or her...

that's it !

you will love just everything at him or her.

even that tiny ugly hair at his stomach...

you will love it....

it is love when it just you and him or her.

even when you think that you are lonely now, it is love....

don't mention it as lonely, call it love....

when you angry don't mention it as angry, call it love...

when you fells all the desire just to kiss him or her wildly, you didn't feel horny, you feel love...

catch it!

smack it!

sniff it!

see it!

kiss it!

stare at it!

pour it!

just feel it!

its all on your skin, on your air, on your hair, even on your food or drink, just feel it...

feel the love...

make everything you can call it as fucking asshole, that damn thing, suck think as love....

i felt amazing...!

i felt like Shakespeare... !

ahahahha...

don't blame me... !

just feel it... !!

love it... !!

now look for your love one, call him or her, kiss him or her, hug him or her, smack him or her, taste him or her, do everything that you can do just to show that you love him or her...

damn!

Hari ini aku seneng, seneng bgt...

Udah mikir kemana mana tadi pagi, nemuin kalo kyknya pilihan aku itu tepat.

Nemuin kalo kayaknya aku ngga salah buat keputusan lagi.

Kuliah, presentasi dg nilai 15 out of 20, not bad...

Siangnya makan ayam penyet dg albert.

Pulang ke sengkang, nonton kungfu panda sama anak2, ada ibu2 kira aku lagi hamil.

Sampe tanya "is it first one?" sambil liatin perut aku senyum senyum karna aku lagi megangin perut mau eeq.

Seneng...

Aku seneng ditanya begitu.

Jujur kalo aku pengen jadi ibu.

Aku pengen ngerasain rumah tangga, aku pengen ngerasain hamil, aku pengen ngerasain jadi ibu. Seneng banget.

Aku pergi sama anak2 ke playground, maen di playground, makan malem di sengkang dengan masakan mak e yang super enak.

Gulai kepala ikan, sosis rebus, sana brokoli tumis saus tiram udah super bwat keadaan aku yang sekarang ini.

Aku pulang, masih dengan keadaan perut kenyang, perut besar, Apalagi aku pake baju kyk orang hamil.

Semua orang ngeliatin perut aku.

Seakan aku ibu muda yang hamil muda.

Just like wierd funny proud feeling.

Even i dont know what to proud of. Big tummy??

ahahahha....

Aku pikir kesenangan ini bakal berlanjut sampe malem aku tutup mata.

Aku pulang, on the komputer, on the messanger, read offline message....

Praaanggg !!

All change.

Baca semua tulisan "Perasaan kemaren wan bilang jangan pulang malem. Sampe jam segini belom pulang ya?"

I'm sorry....

I'm very sensitive with words...

Just view words can make all my happiness gone...

Bener-bener ngga seperti yang aku harapkan.

Pulang, chat, ketawa2...

OK, then i tried to call him.

Karna dia bilang kalo udah pulang misscall wan.

Then what, dya angkat, ngomong dengan nada-nada tinggi yang bener2 bikin semua tambah lengkap dan itu dianggap bukan marah2

menurut dya, dya cuma ngomong.

Seperti biasa.

Ini bener2 bikin aku upset.

Sering banget dya ngomong dg aku dengan nada tinggi dan dya bilang dya ngga marah2.

Dya cuma ngomong.

Ya...

Ngomong + Nada tinggi= Marah

dont u think so??

OK, i'm sensitive, i'm too sensitive, i'm fragile...

Aku bener2 kesel.

Ngga tau apa ini semua salah aku yang terlalu sensitive, atau itu memang hal yang musti aku mengerti, atau dya yang musti mengubah semuanya?

damn....

i hate today....

Emo? just love themself?

i don't really understand bout emo...

i got an emo friend, who just like hate everything except himself and his world.

last time he post a bulletin on friendster talking about girl love money and cars...

i feel like no! no! ur not right!

i love my boyfriend, he ain't got nothing. he just... himself! and that's what i love....

i don't love his money, he got no money...

i don't love his car, he never have car... even a motorcycle? yes he just bought it last week with all the effort.

c'mon...

OK, maybe that's ur thought... but ever you thing that your thought will just hurt somebody.

somebody out there, outside your world...

I'm sorry OK, i don't know what is ur world looks like. i don't care! even if you think that your thought is right, do you live alone?

go ahead EMO!

go live your life with nobody...

just urself and other emo!

do you think that's going to work?

if everybody in this world think like you, what do you think this world would be?

beautiful? oh please....

Think bout it!

Sorry,

i don't care!

That's ur problem!

here we are....

The new blog of mine...

Just dedicated for my self, my best friend, my boyfriend and my family...
We gotta start a new page in a new book. The old book seems like already to messy to use. My boyfriend now working with my parents, no more chat, no more cam, my sister going to married with a man which i don't know what his name is and what he looks like, still confused about my further education, and... I'm to lazy to think about everything because I'm thinking about everything then i don't know what I'm thinking about... so, I'm starting my new life now... of course not exactly a new life... just a new lifestyle like sitting alone at my room, wearing glasses and baby blanket, and write this blog.

Maybe i watch to much "sex and the city". Which is about a single girl that come to new york in search of 2-L label, and love. She found label, but OK, in searching of love which is she will found in the "sex and the city the movie" after 6 seasons... she's alone. Yea... but she got 3 friends which will always support her. I got my friends... but they are miles away far from me. So, nobody gonna give me a hug when i cry, nobody gonna chill me up. I got my love, but he's not here anymore. Maybe he never been here but i always feels like be with him every time we chat and cam. Now, he's working, pursuing our dream... to married... ^^ I'm happy bout that, but now i don't have a supporter beside me anymore. just my self and Albert? yea... Albert. Thanks a lots buddy.

Nobody to talk to, nobody to listen to, its just like living in an empty space. But i got to survive, because another 1month and 4 days, ill back. I'll back to where i were. Now i got my laptop trap in a high risk viruses which i don't know how to kill one. My laptop just can die anytime. No warning, No saying goodbye. Hope it will not till i go back.

I miss u guys... I miss my family... Miss u honey... See you next month...